The Birds In Our Lives

Time really does fly. I keep telling myself that I’ll publish an article on my blog every week. I had planned to post an article just after Valentine’s Day but my hands were too full to spare an hour to type something about love. But love is for the birds, isn’t it? Scientists estimate that people fall in love seven times before they get married. Question is, do people still want to get married? Generally, I could say the moral fabric of the society is not as it used to be back in the last 5 decades. Was there friend-zoning in 1950s? Well, I think it was still there, under a different name or no name at all. I’ve heard there is a newer version of friend-zoning called relationship-zoning where you think that “oh, we are just friends” only to be told, “Too bad…, we are already dating…” How weird is that? Here’s some free advice to guys who make it out of the friend zone: Cry (like a man!) and give that Lupita speech. And to those brothers already trapped in complicated relationships, your dreams are still valid. Enough about love, for today.

All of us have only so much energy. There are also too many competing agendas. You see, sometimes you have bigger fish to fry. In the process of dealing with the tilapia first so that you come back to deal with the omena later, you get caught up with angry birds, or flappy bird. 

Whoever programmed flappy bird had a motive of showing very clearly how frustration gets real. The concept revolves around tapping yet an average user will lose 200 times in a row. 

I’m wondering how children born in the days of ‘apps’ for games will ever experience the real games that we played while growing up. Where you actually go out, play, sometimes bend a few rules while playing hide and seek, get in trouble, get some good spanking and learn from it such that next time, you either don’t hide on top of a mango tree, or if you are the daring kind, you learn to cover your tracks. What stories will these kinds have for their grandchildren? Picture this scenario: “Kids, when we were growing up, there used to be this game called candy crush saga. So one day, I got some coins, loaded my android phone with 25MB of data, immersed myself in the google play store and downloaded this game. The aim was to switch and match your way through more than 400 levels in this delicious and addictive puzzle adventure... (Kids start yawning…)”. Boring. Remember at that time, android will be so old a technology that kids will not be able to identify themselves with such archaic technology.

Talking about technology, there are some not-so-good habits I have observed. Is it just me or have you guys observed a certain breed of people who have headphones plugged in their ears. All the time. What do they listen to? They have annoying cousins who will not hesitate to borrow a USB cable to charge their phones. Mostly, it is a problem that affects android phone users. Is it that their phones drain charge so quickly, which obviously puts the blame squarely on the manufacturers, or is it a bad habit. I chose to go with bad habit. I will address this issue comprehensively on a future post.

As I conclude, I’d like to apologize to my avid readers for not posting articles. My absence from the blogosphere has been unintentional, unforeseeable and regrettable. I’m still trying to come to terms with the manner in which February and March came and slipped away unnoticed. Those two months pulled a ‘Malaysian plane’ kind of scenario. Disappeared in thin air without a trace.

These are bad times for our country in terms of internal security threats. To those who subscribe to the school of optimism, bad times can also be called challenging times. About the NZE that exploded outside the Pangani police station, it is unfortunate and  I mourn the loss of the two gallant officers who died in their line of duty.

May I end with an optimistic note? “How many days to the world cup?”

YOU FEEL ME?

I really get pissed by people who like texting in shorthand. Not the good shorthand (because I sometimes use it). The kind that irks me is when someone uses the exact number of letters but still ends up misspelling the word. However, what gulls the most is the ‘transposition’ or is it ‘substitution’ shorthand. There’s this YOLO generation, a revised version of the digital XXI generation that replaces all instances of s with x! I cringe every time I see ‘xaxa’ or ‘xema’. I feel as if my brain cells are committing suicide. My point? Cheap shorthand is gloriously repulsive. These are the kind of people whose contact details change instantly to “0720…”  Weird thing is they still text me. I hit them with cute replies like “who is this?” and “how did you get my number?”

My sleeping schedule is messed up big time thanks to the Christmas break. If you were keen, you should have realized the advertisements running on TV in late December. East African Breweries Limited warning customers about the effects of drinking and driving. A few drinks too many lead to things getting out of hand. And consequently (if circumstances allow) someone’s conception. That is where Femiplan comes in. Did you notice that even the controversial mpango wa kando ad was back!                               

Fast forward to January 3^rd and the kind of ads running were just depressing. Securing bank loans to pay school fees, back to school shopping (Bata and Naivas are bad at these…). Paybill numbers for utility bills like water and electricity. I know there are people who find themselves in very awkward and precarious positions because they blew up all their savings in a week. After throwing lavish parties and everything, they end up so indebted it takes them a couple of months to recover. 

 I remember the bad feeling when I was in high school (read form one and two).  Once back to school ads started airing, I would remember about all the holiday assignments and the thought of school would spoil the remaining week. I have never understood why nature conspires to make life hard in January. What with the sweltering heat? I like to look at that month like it consists of 31 Mondays!

Now that is it January, I have this ritual of cleaning up my social media. From Facebook ‘unfriending’ all those accounts that are dormant or those I feel shouldn’t be on my list. Then on twitter ‘unfollowing’ all the handles that are irrelevant or those that have outlived their usefulness.

Life has a way of balancing the equations. The degree of hustle is sometimes directly proportional to the good times that you indulge in. If you consume cheap drinks, you’ll get a cheap hangover but if you take expensive drinks, you will experience ‘business class’ hangover –holding all other factors constant. Talking about drinks, if you find a girl who doesn’t drink (this is for men), smoke, party every weekend, wife her! Those are true ladies.

Allow me to give you my philosophy: if you like a girl let her go. If she comes back, it means nobody likes her, let her go again. Fair enough.

I’m still wondering why they haven’t put up pretty, glamorous, breathtaking, fetching, appealing and delightful ladies on OLX.

Can I end my essay with “you feel me?”

©2014

MOHAMMED ALI, GWIJI WA KISWAHILI

Every time the investigative journalist Mohammed Ali does an expose, you cannot fail to admire his impeccable command in Swahili. Grab your Kamusi ya Kiswahilifor a trip down memory lane.

 

This takes me back to my primary school days in Tigoni Primary at the heart of the chilly Limuru weather when Mwinyi Kimani Yahya Bin Yusuftaught me ngeli. I remember him teaching sarufi, uakifishaji, and other Swahili concepts. So dedicated was he that we used to write and submit inshas on a weekly basis. Mwinyi Kimani Yahya Bin Yusuf insisted that ‘asiyejuangelihajui Kiswahili’. We would spend numerous lessons on ngeli.

Fast forward to Lenana School.I don’t remember the name of the teacher who taught our class Kiswahili in form one and two but I cannot forget Bi. Nzioka, the head of Idaraya Kiswahili, who taught me us, form three and four. 

She taught me things like nomino,vivumishi,vielezi, viunganishi, vihisishi, vihusishi among others. Ushairiwas a necessary evil. I recall her saying something like: “Hili ni shairi la ukara kwani vina vinalingana katika kila kipande cha ubeti na kutofautiana na vingine vyote katika shairi.” These kinds of explanation would be followed by terms like mishororo, mizani, vina vya ukwapi, mathnawi, tarbia, mtiririko, mazida, inkisari, uhuishiand other funny sounding terms. 

I can also recall mofimu. She explained that mofimu ni kipashio kidogo zaidi na huwasilisha maana maalum ya kisarufi. There were two types of mofimu which she called mofimu tegemezi and mofimu huru. (Do you guys remember those kind of lessons?). There were things like virai na vishazi and we used to do a lot of upambanuzi wa sentensi. Needless to say, Kiswahili was not a cheap subject. You could easily score a strong D if you did not revise frequently. 

Have you ever asked yourself whether it was useful to learn all that? After sitting the last Swahili paper in the national examination, you automatically acquire immunity. You are free to commit all the possible grammar crimes. Most of us murder the language every day in our communication. From politicians to traffic police officers (especially the officers!!! This lot seems to have had zero interaction with the language in their formative years).

Now, think of Mohammed Ali. Who taught him Kiswahili? This guy can publish his own msamiati. There are words he says that Mwinyi Kimani Yahya Bin Yusuf andBi. Nziokadid not mention in any class. And if they did, I missed it!

Let’s start with the titles of some pieces he has done. Ghururi ya Saitoti, Msaragambo wa ardhi, Paruwanja la mihadarati, and the most recent, Zilizala la Westgate. I have never heard of those words in any Swahili class! Never! Where does Moha get them from?

There is also a dramatic flare when he narrates his stories. Picture this: “Ni mimi mwanahabari wenu mpekuzi Mohammed Ali katika makala ya jichopevu. Katika pitapita zetu tulikutana na msichana huyu mdogo kutoka Migori. Kwanza, alianza kutubabaisha na maumbile yake ya kukata na shoka…”Is that an example of jazanda?Probably.

I envy his flawless flow. Consider this: “Ni donda sugu, kizungumkuti, jinamizi.. yote ni misamiati inayozunguka jinamizi la ardhi nchini Kenya. Msaragambo huu wa ardhi ni tanda belua linalodhihirisha wazi kwamba mnyonge msonge, huku wakifanya maovu bila hofu kwani kwao hakimu ni fisi, mbuzi kupata haki ni ndoto. Kitengo chetu cha upekuzi kiliafiki kulivalia njuga hili kwani hapa nchini ni wazi kwamba baniani mbaya kiatu chake dawa”.

Mohammed Ali is the best we have as long as Kiswahili Kituzwe policy is concerned. Can't wait for another Swahili narration!

LESSONS FROM WESTGATE – PART II

A promise is a debt. I promised to present a list of world’s top Special Forces. I hereby present a list of ten of the best elite squads. You are going to learn military msamiati, grab a notepad and refresh the page. Disclaimer: I have not listed the squads in any order.

 

10. Spetsnaz

This is Russia’s Special Purpose Regiments. They endure punishment daily throughout their training because they want only the best, pain-hardened, battle-loving killers.

They spar with the express goal of injuring each other, breaking ribs, fingers, vertebrae, healing only long enough to get back on their feet and complete the training. They are typically deployed for reconnaissance or house-to-house close quarters combat, but are also employed as extremely formidable bodyguards for high-ranking politicians.

9. French Naval Commandos

They consist of 6 units. Each unit is trained for special tasks, whether combat diving, close quarters sea combat, exfiltration, canine units, or long range fire support, including snipers and missile launchers.

8. MARSOC

This is the U. S. Marine Corps Forces Special Operations Command. Currently, only men are allowed to join, for obvious reasons. Where are feminists? The primary missions of MARSOC are special reconnaissance, direct action, and internal defense within foreign nations.

They are trained to make fire by friction, fire by mirrors, even fire by ice, depending on the location to which they are deployed. You mold the ice with the heat of your hands into the shape of a lens, which works just like a magnifying glass. Now, that is fascinating.

7. MI-6

The closest thing to James Bond can be found in the personnel of the UK’s Secret Intelligence Service, or Security Service, section 6. It works in close partnership with section 5 (MI-5), the latter which is more of a pure spy agency, dedicated to counter-intelligence and counter-espionage.

MI-6, however, is the unit which deploys its agents all over the world to detect international intelligence threats and “neutralize” them before they become truly dangerous. 

6. U. S. Army Rangers

These are the guys deployed to high risk places like Vietnam and the Amazon jungle. I did not find a lot about them but they are this close to super dangerous.

5. U.S Army Green Berets

That’s their nickname. Technically they are the U. S. Army Special Forces. These guys are experts in infiltrating a hostile area in anticipation of a large-scale military engagement. They have carried serious missions in South Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, among others.
They are best in sniping and throat cutting.

4. The Delta Force

The only official United States counter-terrorism unit, dedicated to hostage rescues, counter-insurgency, and general counter-terrorism. Their full name is 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, managed by the Army.

If you have watched Nikita, the series, you may have an idea of what it means for psychologists like Amandato conduct a grueling battery of mental exams on the recruit to try to break him/her into confusion. 

3. Shayetet 13

They are 1 of the 3 most elite Israeli special forces units, but Shayetet 13 is the unit most similar to the Delta Force. They specialize in hostage rescue and counter-terrorism, and because they live so close to a host of nations that seem bent on eradicating them, they are at all times ready in an instant to travel abroad and kill.

2. British SAS

The Special Air Service is trained by MI-5 and MI-6 for in-depth counter-espionage. Physical competency must be nothing but excellent. They are trained in knife fighting by experts in Apache Indian knife techniques.

1. Navy SEALs

Raided and killed Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan. You might think there are a lot of them, given the number of action movies dedicated to the plot device of an invincible warrior, but there are only about 2,000 of them. They are the United States’ most elite special warfare combatants. These guys can do at least 42 push-ups in 2 minutes! Navy SEALs have the distinction of being the model on which almost all national commando units are based today, including every other entry on this list.

I believe that one day; our Special Forces will rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and be hailed the worlds’ best, or among the best. That is after my children’s children die.

Dr. PLO Lumumba once said: “The tiger does not boast about its tigritude, but when you see the skeleton of an antelope, you know that some tigritude has taken place.” 

And that is my submission....

THE FATEFUL SATURDAY AFTERNOON AT WESTLANDS – PART 1

First of all, before I start on the topic of the day, I must say that it has been a hectic semester. It has indeed been a beehive of activity for the past three months. The only things I found myself typing were term papers and numerous assignments but thank God it’s now water under the bridge. For now.At least I have three weeks to myself.

 

This is my self-given assignment. I have missed opportunities over the last couple of weeks. The Shebesh story came and went. Actually two stories to the same name. I will spare manziwaNai for now.

But I remember typing away an article on a Monday afternoon (during class time). Did I say how it backfired on me? Well, I forgot to save the document (an unforgivable deed!). I recall vividly checking for typos and suddenly the lights flickered. I lost 800 words because the PC did not have a UPS. Nature was conspiring against me maybe probably because I was doing it at the wrong time. I have moved on though…

This article is dedicated to the Westgate attack. A household name by now. I’m certain that the awful spectacle is still fresh in our minds. Allow me to focus particularly in the manner at which our ‘formidable’ security forces responded to the attack. The multi-agency operation was a total mess in more ways than one.

Before I pick a bone with our security forces, there is this individual who, by the nature of his office, was put in a very awkward and precarious position. I have always held the opinion that there are people who should be listened to and others who should simply introduce their upper lip to their lower lip and teach them how to hug very tightly every time they feel even the slightest urge to speak to the masses. You do not go on live television to contradict yourself in the manner that we saw. The person in question should avoid embarrassing himself in future. 

Concerning the “watery reasons” given to us yesterday, if Eric Kiraithe was the man in-charge of communication, he would have pulled a statement that looks a lot like the one below.

Press conference. All the microphones are jumbled by eager reporters as the spokesman prepares to deliver a speech to the nation. He clears his throat and goes like: “The boys opened thirst and they managed to recover 17 Jamesons, 6 JohnnyWalkers and 4 Jack Daniels which we believe had high concentration of ethanol that could have exploded and consequently bring with them catastrophic damage to the Westlands population. Contrary to media rumors, KDF did not carry paper bags, the paper bags were walking in the same direction as our gallant soldiers. We are also investigating the possibility that the paper bags were magnetic and could have been attracted to military gadgets. We urge the media to exercise caution and restraint when reporting on national security matters. Thank you”. 

I expected a different introduction of the military during the recent mashujaa day celebrations. Someone else on social media read my mind and came up with the following: MheshimiwaRais, wanaopitambeleyakosasaniwanajeshikutokakikosi cha 1^st WESTGATE LOOTING COMMAND wakiongozwa naLOOTenant Colonel LOOTenus wakiwa wamebeba vifurushi vya Nakumatt..Makofi kwao! Vifurushi mnavoona vilikuwa vimetumika kubebea magaidi na vinahifadhiwa katika maabara ya kitaifa

I know for sure not to utter fallacious generalizations as there are many sides of the coin but truth be told. That looting cctv footage will form the basis as to how we perceive KDF. To the few committed and disciplined soldiers, I commend your bravery and selflessness.

I’m not about to narrate the JichoPevu exposé for am aware on how our KDF spoilt the game for the RECCE squad (which is trained for special tasks including hostage rescue missions). What irks the most is how brilliantly the military invaded and tossed the operation from the frying pan into the fire. Congratulations are in order to the KDF commander who directed our gallant soldiers through those tactical operations that saw the country glued to television stations for days without end. It was a good idea to deploy 200 combatants to neutralize 4 guys. But that logic was utmost mockery! I thought the country is at war with itself. What with the grenade propeller and the heavy artillery only used in Somalia? Surely, even if I haven’t been in a class of MIL101: Introduction to hostage rescue missions, I’m sure it is not the work of the defense forces.  Those kinds of assignments are handled by Special Forces. The westgate situation did not warrant such an approach. All they managed to do is engage in friendly fire, a term used to disguise the fact that they were shooting each other instead of keeping their eyes on the ball. The terrorists.

I did some cursory web searches and stumbled on a list populated with special forces from around the world that have the honour of being the most elite and –consequently –badass!

I was told to keep my blog posts short, and I will therefore stop at that. In my next blog post, I will analyze world’s badass special forces in excruciating detail.

Good evening…

THE AIRBUS A380

It’s a mega plane. Bigger and heavier than any other passenger plane in the sky. It has the capacity to carry more people than any commercial jet flyer. Have you ever wondered how it was built?

Location: Toulouse, France

Time: 2007

The plane maker spent billions to bring the idea to life. The idea of a bus in air. Believe it or not, the airbus A380 is 73 metres long, 7 stories tall at the tai and almost 80 metres from wingtip to wingtip! Heavier, longer and taller than a 747 with 2 floor levels of sitting, enough to hold over 550 passengers. You should not be reading this sentence yet until you have visualized the dimensions of the jumbo jet I’m talking about. Pause. Summon your faculty of intellectual abstraction.

Getting that monster of a plane off the drawing board required more than just massive factories across Europe. The airbus required 4 powerful mega sized engines as well as a computerized flight control system, more sophisticated than any other in commercial aviation.

In order to understand where we are coming from, allow me to take you back to 1969. That was the year of technology firsts. Those who enjoy flirting with history know that 1969 saw the arrival of two exotic airliners. Boeing rolled out the 747, the first double decker passenger plane, larger and heavier than any other. Powered by 4 engines, the plane had the capacity to carry more than 400 passengers, more than double the capacity of 707. That same year the concord was born. It traded capacity for speed. It carried only 128 passengers but it could cruise at twice the speed of sound, cutting the trip from New York to London from 8 hours to just under 3.5 hours. Both the 747 and concord came to be the epitome of luxury in air travel.

These two different visions came to symbolize a fierce rivalry between American and European airspace giants. A rivalry that only intensified with time. Even as the business of air travel changed dramatically, the concord is still grounded  after years of financial difficulties and a devastating crash in Paris. The 747 is still a giant, especially considering the sheer number of passengers it can pack between its wings.

What exactly changed to turn air travel from a luxury to the airborne bus ride that it is today? Simple economics. In just a few short decades the number of people travelling by air has tripled. I guess this is where simulation and modeling applies.

Now, simulation and modeling is one of the units I’m taking this semester. It’s a unit that requires a rigorous and excruciating understanding of mathematical concepts. To be honest, I float more than half the time during class only for stuff to make sense waaay later into the semester. The “aha” moments are rare. If you cannot derive the mean and variance of statistical distribution (such as discrete distributions that include bernoulli, binomial, Poisson, geometric distribution, as well as continuous distributions such as uniform, exponential, normal and gamma distributions) without breaking a sweat, you would suffer the same fate as me. A good grasp of the aforementioned provides a basis for determining the performance measures of a queuing system. To determine the number of people travelling by air, they probably used an exponential probability density function. I will not go into the finer details of queuing systems for now until I conceptualize the idea.

Back to aviation. Both Boeing and Airbus saw the writing on the wall in the 1990’s. The two companies took a very different bid on the problem. Boeing believed that one of the biggest increases in air travel would be point to point flights. Consequently, the company put its muscle behind the 787 dreamliner. A highly efficient plane that was designed to carry an average of 250. The A380 though is an altogether different beast in its own right. It is designed for hub to hub travel. A strategy to serve long haul routes in and out of Asia. The airbus’ luxurious features include but are not limited to; a lounge, a high-end shop, two staircases and a waterfall. It’s a breathtaking dream. No one knew if such a plane could be built in the first place. Some argued that such a craft would be far too heavy and expensive to be practical.

One astonishing fact is that the mega guzzler, running at top speed, sucks down a litre of fuel per second. Remember the Airbus is designed for routine flights lasting 13 hours or more. That means when it is fully tanked for takeoff, it carries a lot of fuel. 260,000litres.

When France proved that the plane could fly during the successful and historic test flight, that was the easy part. The company received 154 orders by the time it was testing it. Considering that raw materials are imported from all continents, apart from Antarctic of course, and considering that critical components are manufactured in Wales, Germany, Italy and France; the logistics are quite complicated.  

In order to break even, the plane maker (which invested $12 billion) needed 96 more order, over and above the 154 orders. The company had to convince airlines to part with $ 300M to acquire one superjumbo A380! 24billion KES. No wonder our national carries Kenya Airways did not place an order. Anyway, we don’t even have the capacity to park that giant of a plane. Perhaps after 2030 we will have acquired one.

This post was inspired by the JKIA fire incident.

Serious companies like Emirates ordered 45 jets worth $ 7 billion. Can we compete with UAE?

Ladies and gentlemen, that was your captain speaking…