THROWING IN MY TWO CENTS

Guess who’s back. The blogger. Can’t believe the last time I was on these streets was during the world cup. How embarrassing. WhatsApp blue ticks were unheard of. I think further upgrades will be so mean as to tell that someone read your message, frowned, screenshot it and posted it to her girls group and that kind of thing. Mark Zuckerberg, stop! Last seen timestamp had caused enough damage already. *sips coffee*. Then Njoki Chege and her articles. But don’t I like the tone she picks! Fantastic. The men she’s supposed to be dating are tall boys with blue Subaru Imprezzas who drink cheap liquor. Hahahaha…Comical articles. Story for another day though. Then Kim Kardashian’s greasy ass keeps coming down my timeline. Oh! No. Martin Luther King did not die for this. We are living in interesting times. The latest and most annoying incident is on everyone’s lips. It has been picked by international media. Yes, it’s that serious. I got it from Al Jazeera English version. You should have seen the comments, such as “Africa and their primitive energy.” And why exactly do they think that the Africa continent is a state? Anyway, let’s talk harassment. 

 

It happens on a daily basis. I have experienced two separate incidents in the recent past. One involving a pick pocketer who could not resist my three-week-old phone. His planned back fired so badly that he resulted to using force. He chucked a dagger to which I obliged. Then chokoras and extortion. I was actually thinking of investing in pepper spray because apparently the chokoras along Landhies Lane have made it their life’s mission to extort money from me. Just last month I was being given choices. To either chuck 500 bob or be smeared with human waste. You should have seen me bargaining as if he was selling me a commodity. Nkt! That is small-scale harassment. And it breeds to large-scale proportions and extends to what we have seen. 

I have been smoked out of my hibernation hole by the hash tag #MyDressMyChoice. We cannot say that! Before you draw daggers (Sandra Sudi, relax. Don’t crucify me yet), allow me to immediately stress that I do not support barbaric, uncouth, primitive, uncivilized and evil acts like stripping women. Catch my drift? The spirit of the hash tag is in good taste. Very sensible but unfortunately some ladies are getting it all wrong. I’ll demonstrate the gross misrepresentation of facts, in a few.

Let’s go the philosophy way, shall we? Intrinsically evil acts are judged solely from their object independently of the intention that inspires them or the circumstances that surround them. So, whether the Embassava (hope I got that spelling correct, autocorrect has no suggestion) touts were intending to ‘teach a moral lesson’ is not the question. Stripping is evil. 

Confession 101.  I am a member of the Facebook page called ‘Kilimani Mums Nairobi’. Crazy, right? I did happen to do my industrial attachment in that area code so I am not so lost after all. I am there to read the troubles and/or achievements of those mums. Most of them are professionals with reputable careers. The admin better not be reading this post. I don’t want my membership to be revoked. That group is a good sample to do research because it is representative enough. I’m assuming a 95% confidence interval and of course a 5% degree of error. Why? Because I have read most of the tweets with the said hash tag. Including the tweef between Esther Passaris and Robert Alai.

Now, to my point. Let’s start by understanding some concepts that will give my argument and premises the traction it deserves. Freedom. Choices. Truth. Liberalism. Relativism. If we all agree on the basic definitions of the 5 words, my case is closed. I’m not lecturing. Let’s just be clear that truth is not relative. It is one. Ontological. Existing beyond ourselves. It originates from reality. When your mind conforms to reality, now that is what you call the truth. Not the other way round. Below is a comment from the Facebook page by some mama.

“Why can’t we learn to accept diversity? We are different. Period! What is the measure people are using to tell us to dress decently? What is decency anyway? We are supposed to dress to impress and not to accommodate the views of perverts…period.” After reading that comment I thought…mmhh… how inaccurate and fallacious. 

The comment suggests that decency is relative. What is the measure of decency? Remember the concepts I introduced up there? Decency is not relative. From Instagram, the taste of the hash tag is very bitter and to be quite frank, misses the point. Terming men perverts. Why have some women shifted the debate from an incident of violation of the first and most basic human right of dignity to demonizing men as perpetrators of heinous crimes against women? So now the touts are representing all men? What a vague generalization. 

If #MyDressMyChoice campaign is to bear fruits, it has to clearly demonstrate that absolute freedom bring about liberalism. Everyone thus can do whatever they want. Wrong! Human beings are endowed with reason and conscience which clearly shows the distinction between good and evil. Then some people bring the argument that oooh… Turkana women..And I say, we need to purify the spontaneous moral knowledge and correct the errors therein. Just because you can expose your thighs doesn’t mean you should.

I think the main focus would be men and women uniting to eradicate demeaning behaviour and to spearhead effective recognition and observance of rights and freedoms of others simply because all human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. This is where political common good comes in. Try walking along Ngara or near that matatu stage and you will have your arms grabbed by hawkers, touts and whatnot. They do it because there is no law against it.

Let’s start by having some airtight legislation. Right now if the assaulted lady is to get justice, the police will tell her to file a formal complaint and the court will require evidence. What more evidence does the lady need? Is the video not evidence enough? Do she need to lodge a formal complaint for an obvious gross violation? The law is an ass! I hope the culprits will be brought to book and that justice shall be served. You saw how Kanyari’s case was ignored like a wet weave? 

Hope you all feel the conviction of a burning sincerity, of that fire in the belly which will better our society and produce the unity of purpose. My two cents ladies and gentlemen.

OLE OLA EDITION

It’s a cold Thursday afternoon. I’m sitting on 6^th floor in a heavily glassed skyscraper office building. I occasionally rotate the comfortable swivel chair to get a commanding view of the Yaya Center twin towers. At the back of my mind, I’m disturbed by a promise I haven’t fulfilled. This article you are reading. I’ve been planning to type it from the time Baba was in Dubai. Before some medicine student was proclaimed a diva (I thought medicine was among those hard courses where life revolves around the library, shower and bed, but apparently, I was wrong. M.B Ch.B students are now divas). I noted the techno phone (beats logic) the campus diva was using with a lot of concern. It’s the kind whose ringtone sounds like 10 sufurias clanking down a staircase. I expected the latest of Samsung or the latest of HTC or the latest of iPhone or for a worst case scenario, the latest of Nokia. I had planned to write the article before Vera removed her tint, spend a preposterously huge amount of paper on weave. I hear she is now giving back to the society. Whichever ‘back’ that is. Let me get to the mixed ideas I have for this particular post now that I have about an hour to kill, a blog, a keyboard and an active internet connection.

I will take you through a short journey of my personal encounter with internship. Follow me. In a single file, please.

If there is something that can be frustrating, call it job search. Why? Firstly, recruiters have expectations the size of Mount Kenya. From brightermonday to jobrapido to career point et cetera et cetera, the job requirements that are posted are waaaay too ambitious. Unrealistic. The moment you subscribe to any of the job sites, they spam your inbox with requirements that are out of this world. You are left disturbed and confused and confused and disturbed. Some students opt for tarmacking only to meet unfriendly security guards (who act as human resource managers). It is indeed a depressing experience to get through such guards. Did I mention the grueling interviews? Thank God I did not go through such. Life is a mystery of sorts. Allow me to skip the boring details and dive right to the best things in life. Entertainment.

WORLD CUP

People are still on the Jubilee Cord dialogue nusu-mkate bs.. dude get a grip.. It’s the World Cup month. Some things we left in 2013 like Temple Run. We are about to start eating, breathing and sleeping football. I’m about do 1,000 tweets between now and end of the tournament. Any single detail that will excite me will earn a tweet! Prepare to get pissed off if you follow me. I’m considering opening an Instagram account (I have this ideology that taking offensive amounts of selfies and posting them online is a girl thing, which explains my resistance to have an instagram account). Why I’m reconsidering that thought is because I’d like to immortalize Messi as he worms through tiny creases between defenders. I’d like to immortalize Christiano Ronaldo as he makes those diagonal runs shredding the defense with lethal finishes. Apart from immortalizing players on instagram, there are things that I’m looking forward to. I want to see beautiful women showing off their skills in cheering squads twerking to loud Samba music while wearing short skirts and Brazilian-flag-themed tops. 

I have already toured the streets of Brazil (albeit on Google street view) and gathered some interesting facts about the country. Firstly, I admire the fact that Brazil is run by a woman president, Dilma Rousseff.

On to the facts: Brazil has won the World Cup 5 times (more than any other country!)

It is the fifth largest country in the world, has the second highest number of airports in the world, official language is Portuguese, has 60% of the rainforests that make up the Amazon rain forests, it has the second highest Christian population in the world, and last but not least, has the best coffee in the world.  

I’m spoilt for choice on which team to support. My best players are scattered across various national teams. My choices are Brazil, Spain, France and (all African teams -obviously) in that order.

In between the World Cup, we will be treated to the most amazing show of the year. Black Entertainment Television awards, hosted by Christopher Julius Rock III a.k.a Chris Rock. With star performances from Robin Thicke, Pharrell Williams, Drake, Usher, Jennifer Hudson, Lil Wayne, Trey Songz and Lionel Richie, it is a night to look forward to. Lupita Nyong’o has been nominated in the ‘best actress’ category against Angela Bassett, Gabrielle Union, Kerry Washington and Oprah Winfrey. Lupita without a doubt is in the big league, rubbing shoulders with the likes of Mary Jane and Olivia Pope.

This is the month guys!

The Birds In Our Lives

Time really does fly. I keep telling myself that I’ll publish an article on my blog every week. I had planned to post an article just after Valentine’s Day but my hands were too full to spare an hour to type something about love. But love is for the birds, isn’t it? Scientists estimate that people fall in love seven times before they get married. Question is, do people still want to get married? Generally, I could say the moral fabric of the society is not as it used to be back in the last 5 decades. Was there friend-zoning in 1950s? Well, I think it was still there, under a different name or no name at all. I’ve heard there is a newer version of friend-zoning called relationship-zoning where you think that “oh, we are just friends” only to be told, “Too bad…, we are already dating…” How weird is that? Here’s some free advice to guys who make it out of the friend zone: Cry (like a man!) and give that Lupita speech. And to those brothers already trapped in complicated relationships, your dreams are still valid. Enough about love, for today.

All of us have only so much energy. There are also too many competing agendas. You see, sometimes you have bigger fish to fry. In the process of dealing with the tilapia first so that you come back to deal with the omena later, you get caught up with angry birds, or flappy bird. 

Whoever programmed flappy bird had a motive of showing very clearly how frustration gets real. The concept revolves around tapping yet an average user will lose 200 times in a row. 

I’m wondering how children born in the days of ‘apps’ for games will ever experience the real games that we played while growing up. Where you actually go out, play, sometimes bend a few rules while playing hide and seek, get in trouble, get some good spanking and learn from it such that next time, you either don’t hide on top of a mango tree, or if you are the daring kind, you learn to cover your tracks. What stories will these kinds have for their grandchildren? Picture this scenario: “Kids, when we were growing up, there used to be this game called candy crush saga. So one day, I got some coins, loaded my android phone with 25MB of data, immersed myself in the google play store and downloaded this game. The aim was to switch and match your way through more than 400 levels in this delicious and addictive puzzle adventure... (Kids start yawning…)”. Boring. Remember at that time, android will be so old a technology that kids will not be able to identify themselves with such archaic technology.

Talking about technology, there are some not-so-good habits I have observed. Is it just me or have you guys observed a certain breed of people who have headphones plugged in their ears. All the time. What do they listen to? They have annoying cousins who will not hesitate to borrow a USB cable to charge their phones. Mostly, it is a problem that affects android phone users. Is it that their phones drain charge so quickly, which obviously puts the blame squarely on the manufacturers, or is it a bad habit. I chose to go with bad habit. I will address this issue comprehensively on a future post.

As I conclude, I’d like to apologize to my avid readers for not posting articles. My absence from the blogosphere has been unintentional, unforeseeable and regrettable. I’m still trying to come to terms with the manner in which February and March came and slipped away unnoticed. Those two months pulled a ‘Malaysian plane’ kind of scenario. Disappeared in thin air without a trace.

These are bad times for our country in terms of internal security threats. To those who subscribe to the school of optimism, bad times can also be called challenging times. About the NZE that exploded outside the Pangani police station, it is unfortunate and  I mourn the loss of the two gallant officers who died in their line of duty.

May I end with an optimistic note? “How many days to the world cup?”

YOU FEEL ME?

I really get pissed by people who like texting in shorthand. Not the good shorthand (because I sometimes use it). The kind that irks me is when someone uses the exact number of letters but still ends up misspelling the word. However, what gulls the most is the ‘transposition’ or is it ‘substitution’ shorthand. There’s this YOLO generation, a revised version of the digital XXI generation that replaces all instances of s with x! I cringe every time I see ‘xaxa’ or ‘xema’. I feel as if my brain cells are committing suicide. My point? Cheap shorthand is gloriously repulsive. These are the kind of people whose contact details change instantly to “0720…”  Weird thing is they still text me. I hit them with cute replies like “who is this?” and “how did you get my number?”

My sleeping schedule is messed up big time thanks to the Christmas break. If you were keen, you should have realized the advertisements running on TV in late December. East African Breweries Limited warning customers about the effects of drinking and driving. A few drinks too many lead to things getting out of hand. And consequently (if circumstances allow) someone’s conception. That is where Femiplan comes in. Did you notice that even the controversial mpango wa kando ad was back!                               

Fast forward to January 3^rd and the kind of ads running were just depressing. Securing bank loans to pay school fees, back to school shopping (Bata and Naivas are bad at these…). Paybill numbers for utility bills like water and electricity. I know there are people who find themselves in very awkward and precarious positions because they blew up all their savings in a week. After throwing lavish parties and everything, they end up so indebted it takes them a couple of months to recover. 

 I remember the bad feeling when I was in high school (read form one and two).  Once back to school ads started airing, I would remember about all the holiday assignments and the thought of school would spoil the remaining week. I have never understood why nature conspires to make life hard in January. What with the sweltering heat? I like to look at that month like it consists of 31 Mondays!

Now that is it January, I have this ritual of cleaning up my social media. From Facebook ‘unfriending’ all those accounts that are dormant or those I feel shouldn’t be on my list. Then on twitter ‘unfollowing’ all the handles that are irrelevant or those that have outlived their usefulness.

Life has a way of balancing the equations. The degree of hustle is sometimes directly proportional to the good times that you indulge in. If you consume cheap drinks, you’ll get a cheap hangover but if you take expensive drinks, you will experience ‘business class’ hangover –holding all other factors constant. Talking about drinks, if you find a girl who doesn’t drink (this is for men), smoke, party every weekend, wife her! Those are true ladies.

Allow me to give you my philosophy: if you like a girl let her go. If she comes back, it means nobody likes her, let her go again. Fair enough.

I’m still wondering why they haven’t put up pretty, glamorous, breathtaking, fetching, appealing and delightful ladies on OLX.

Can I end my essay with “you feel me?”

©2014

MOHAMMED ALI, GWIJI WA KISWAHILI

Every time the investigative journalist Mohammed Ali does an expose, you cannot fail to admire his impeccable command in Swahili. Grab your Kamusi ya Kiswahilifor a trip down memory lane.

 

This takes me back to my primary school days in Tigoni Primary at the heart of the chilly Limuru weather when Mwinyi Kimani Yahya Bin Yusuftaught me ngeli. I remember him teaching sarufi, uakifishaji, and other Swahili concepts. So dedicated was he that we used to write and submit inshas on a weekly basis. Mwinyi Kimani Yahya Bin Yusuf insisted that ‘asiyejuangelihajui Kiswahili’. We would spend numerous lessons on ngeli.

Fast forward to Lenana School.I don’t remember the name of the teacher who taught our class Kiswahili in form one and two but I cannot forget Bi. Nzioka, the head of Idaraya Kiswahili, who taught me us, form three and four. 

She taught me things like nomino,vivumishi,vielezi, viunganishi, vihisishi, vihusishi among others. Ushairiwas a necessary evil. I recall her saying something like: “Hili ni shairi la ukara kwani vina vinalingana katika kila kipande cha ubeti na kutofautiana na vingine vyote katika shairi.” These kinds of explanation would be followed by terms like mishororo, mizani, vina vya ukwapi, mathnawi, tarbia, mtiririko, mazida, inkisari, uhuishiand other funny sounding terms. 

I can also recall mofimu. She explained that mofimu ni kipashio kidogo zaidi na huwasilisha maana maalum ya kisarufi. There were two types of mofimu which she called mofimu tegemezi and mofimu huru. (Do you guys remember those kind of lessons?). There were things like virai na vishazi and we used to do a lot of upambanuzi wa sentensi. Needless to say, Kiswahili was not a cheap subject. You could easily score a strong D if you did not revise frequently. 

Have you ever asked yourself whether it was useful to learn all that? After sitting the last Swahili paper in the national examination, you automatically acquire immunity. You are free to commit all the possible grammar crimes. Most of us murder the language every day in our communication. From politicians to traffic police officers (especially the officers!!! This lot seems to have had zero interaction with the language in their formative years).

Now, think of Mohammed Ali. Who taught him Kiswahili? This guy can publish his own msamiati. There are words he says that Mwinyi Kimani Yahya Bin Yusuf andBi. Nziokadid not mention in any class. And if they did, I missed it!

Let’s start with the titles of some pieces he has done. Ghururi ya Saitoti, Msaragambo wa ardhi, Paruwanja la mihadarati, and the most recent, Zilizala la Westgate. I have never heard of those words in any Swahili class! Never! Where does Moha get them from?

There is also a dramatic flare when he narrates his stories. Picture this: “Ni mimi mwanahabari wenu mpekuzi Mohammed Ali katika makala ya jichopevu. Katika pitapita zetu tulikutana na msichana huyu mdogo kutoka Migori. Kwanza, alianza kutubabaisha na maumbile yake ya kukata na shoka…”Is that an example of jazanda?Probably.

I envy his flawless flow. Consider this: “Ni donda sugu, kizungumkuti, jinamizi.. yote ni misamiati inayozunguka jinamizi la ardhi nchini Kenya. Msaragambo huu wa ardhi ni tanda belua linalodhihirisha wazi kwamba mnyonge msonge, huku wakifanya maovu bila hofu kwani kwao hakimu ni fisi, mbuzi kupata haki ni ndoto. Kitengo chetu cha upekuzi kiliafiki kulivalia njuga hili kwani hapa nchini ni wazi kwamba baniani mbaya kiatu chake dawa”.

Mohammed Ali is the best we have as long as Kiswahili Kituzwe policy is concerned. Can't wait for another Swahili narration!

LESSONS FROM WESTGATE – PART II

A promise is a debt. I promised to present a list of world’s top Special Forces. I hereby present a list of ten of the best elite squads. You are going to learn military msamiati, grab a notepad and refresh the page. Disclaimer: I have not listed the squads in any order.

 

10. Spetsnaz

This is Russia’s Special Purpose Regiments. They endure punishment daily throughout their training because they want only the best, pain-hardened, battle-loving killers.

They spar with the express goal of injuring each other, breaking ribs, fingers, vertebrae, healing only long enough to get back on their feet and complete the training. They are typically deployed for reconnaissance or house-to-house close quarters combat, but are also employed as extremely formidable bodyguards for high-ranking politicians.

9. French Naval Commandos

They consist of 6 units. Each unit is trained for special tasks, whether combat diving, close quarters sea combat, exfiltration, canine units, or long range fire support, including snipers and missile launchers.

8. MARSOC

This is the U. S. Marine Corps Forces Special Operations Command. Currently, only men are allowed to join, for obvious reasons. Where are feminists? The primary missions of MARSOC are special reconnaissance, direct action, and internal defense within foreign nations.

They are trained to make fire by friction, fire by mirrors, even fire by ice, depending on the location to which they are deployed. You mold the ice with the heat of your hands into the shape of a lens, which works just like a magnifying glass. Now, that is fascinating.

7. MI-6

The closest thing to James Bond can be found in the personnel of the UK’s Secret Intelligence Service, or Security Service, section 6. It works in close partnership with section 5 (MI-5), the latter which is more of a pure spy agency, dedicated to counter-intelligence and counter-espionage.

MI-6, however, is the unit which deploys its agents all over the world to detect international intelligence threats and “neutralize” them before they become truly dangerous. 

6. U. S. Army Rangers

These are the guys deployed to high risk places like Vietnam and the Amazon jungle. I did not find a lot about them but they are this close to super dangerous.

5. U.S Army Green Berets

That’s their nickname. Technically they are the U. S. Army Special Forces. These guys are experts in infiltrating a hostile area in anticipation of a large-scale military engagement. They have carried serious missions in South Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, among others.
They are best in sniping and throat cutting.

4. The Delta Force

The only official United States counter-terrorism unit, dedicated to hostage rescues, counter-insurgency, and general counter-terrorism. Their full name is 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, managed by the Army.

If you have watched Nikita, the series, you may have an idea of what it means for psychologists like Amandato conduct a grueling battery of mental exams on the recruit to try to break him/her into confusion. 

3. Shayetet 13

They are 1 of the 3 most elite Israeli special forces units, but Shayetet 13 is the unit most similar to the Delta Force. They specialize in hostage rescue and counter-terrorism, and because they live so close to a host of nations that seem bent on eradicating them, they are at all times ready in an instant to travel abroad and kill.

2. British SAS

The Special Air Service is trained by MI-5 and MI-6 for in-depth counter-espionage. Physical competency must be nothing but excellent. They are trained in knife fighting by experts in Apache Indian knife techniques.

1. Navy SEALs

Raided and killed Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan. You might think there are a lot of them, given the number of action movies dedicated to the plot device of an invincible warrior, but there are only about 2,000 of them. They are the United States’ most elite special warfare combatants. These guys can do at least 42 push-ups in 2 minutes! Navy SEALs have the distinction of being the model on which almost all national commando units are based today, including every other entry on this list.

I believe that one day; our Special Forces will rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and be hailed the worlds’ best, or among the best. That is after my children’s children die.

Dr. PLO Lumumba once said: “The tiger does not boast about its tigritude, but when you see the skeleton of an antelope, you know that some tigritude has taken place.” 

And that is my submission....